My Zombie Attack Plan

October 20, 2011
By
Zombie

A typical zombie. Photo by Bob Jagendorf.

I’ve often wondered what I should do if I found myself in the middle of a large metropolitan area during a zombie attack. I know how to survive if I’m lost in the woods, caught in an avalanche, or watching the movie Yentle, but the undead? I’m at a disadvantage with zombies, because I’m not a consumer of their particular genre of horror movies.

My lack of preparedness became evident last weekend when my wife and I visited some haunted houses. It was clear I had no idea how to react when approached by a creature of the night. I thought about screaming back, but that seemed futile. I couldn’t shoot or stab them, because I hadn’t packed a gun or a knife. They were just actors, anyway, so this tactic would have backfired. All I could do was squeeze my wife’s hand, which only created tension of another kind.

I decided that it would be best to prepare for this inevitable disaster ahead of time. I found the advice from New York Magazine’s special section titled “How to Survive a Zombie Attack” to be indispensable. Every family should have a zombie attack kit. Include items such as canned food, batteries and a crowbar. According to the magazine, consider acquiring these items:

“One of those big blue Ikea bags ($3) to hold your stuff. A tin of Altoids ($2 at Duane Reade) in case you might meet that special someone in your bunker. And Slim Jims; they last forever and can be used to distract zombies, as they are made out of humans.”

This section is a gold mine for the mutant-challenged. Should I stay in my car? Dial 911? Negotiate? No, no, and no. Commentators were split on whether to flee the city or to find a safe local hiding place. Whichever advice you take, stay close to friends and don’t waste ammo. (Aim for the hypothalamus behind the eyes.) If you’re in a museum, consider hopping into that full suit of armor from the medieval period or grabbing that Japanese sword from the Tang Dynasty.

Another good item to throw in your Ikea bag is a crossbow. This is a great weapon to use against all types of monsters. Don’t know how to use one? You’re in luck. You can take a zombie survival course and get trained. A single-day course will set you back about $150, or you can spend $425 for a weekend. Meals are included. You’d better call quick, though, because most of their classes are sold out. Groups welcome.

You just can’t be too prepared these days. I’m going to do my part and put my family’s Undead Escape Plan into action. If my children see a lumbering ghoul shuffling their way, they’ll sound the alarm and head straight for the family meeting spot. Mom will load the crossbow. Dad will guard the mints. And it wouldn’t hurt to review a few George Romero movies, just in case.

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One Response to My Zombie Attack Plan

  1. Lisa Brooks
    October 24, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    Ha ha. Dan Kois is a friend of ours.

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